After 16 glorious days of holiday break, I have to resume normal life tomorrow. I’m so anxious thinking about going back to sitting at a desk all day that I can’t sleep. Every day, I resent my desk at work more. I hate being inactive. I want to be up, doing something-anything-besides sitting and typing. Then I come home and I just feel tired, and the fact that this time of year is always so dark doesn’t help.

I constantly struggle with my decision to work full-time. I want to put my degree to use, set a good example for my son, make a difference in my field, but I miss my family. I only get to spend an hour with my son in the morning (40 minutes of that is in the car), and maybe 2 hours at night. I do believe daycare has helped him grow so much, but I want that time with him. Any moment can be an adventure, life is never dull around a child.

I’d also really enjoy being able to keep up with anything around the house. Bills, chores, cooking, landscaping, general household maintenance. Everywhere I look, there is a pile of stuff waiting to be organized and put away. I have so little free time that I just can’t bring myself to do it.

In four years, my little guy will be off to kindergarten, and then maybe I’ll feel better about working. I won’t have this constant guilt weighing on my shoulders, because he will be in school when I am at work. Unless we have another one. Then the guilt will be extended by a couple more years.