My husband, as wonderful as he is, seems obsessed with putting a will together. I know it’s super important but honestly, is there anything more depressing? He always brings it up at the worst times. The first was one night during a homemade candlelit dinner, shortly after we were married. We were listening to our wedding soundtrack, enjoying a great meal and, without warning, he suggested we make a will. I promptly burst into tears.

Last night, we were doing the dishes and he asked if I had made a resolution for 2016. I never make resolutions because I have yet to meet anyone who has actually kept one for more than a month. Why make New Year’s special? I can lie to myself any day of the week.

Anyway, he says our resolution should be to make a will. Again, nailing the timing. New Year’s resolutions are supposed to be about hope, right? “I hope I’ll weigh less, I hope I’ll get married, I hope I’ll be a better person, I hope I’ll get a promotion…” A will is the opposite of hope. It’s only useful when hope is gone.

Yeah, okay, I have a kid. It’s stupid not to have one, but I could not dread this any more. I’ll probably cry the entire time we’re putting it together. Is it acceptable to just write it out on a sheet of notebook paper and shove it in an old book? I feel like this might be a little friendlier that going through all the official bullshit.

After 16 glorious days of holiday break, I have to resume normal life tomorrow. I’m so anxious thinking about going back to sitting at a desk all day that I can’t sleep. Every day, I resent my desk at work more. I hate being inactive. I want to be up, doing something-anything-besides sitting and typing. Then I come home and I just feel tired, and the fact that this time of year is always so dark doesn’t help.

I constantly struggle with my decision to work full-time. I want to put my degree to use, set a good example for my son, make a difference in my field, but I miss my family. I only get to spend an hour with my son in the morning (40 minutes of that is in the car), and maybe 2 hours at night. I do believe daycare has helped him grow so much, but I want that time with him. Any moment can be an adventure, life is never dull around a child.

I’d also really enjoy being able to keep up with anything around the house. Bills, chores, cooking, landscaping, general household maintenance. Everywhere I look, there is a pile of stuff waiting to be organized and put away. I have so little free time that I just can’t bring myself to do it.

In four years, my little guy will be off to kindergarten, and then maybe I’ll feel better about working. I won’t have this constant guilt weighing on my shoulders, because he will be in school when I am at work. Unless we have another one. Then the guilt will be extended by a couple more years.