In my first post, I mentioned that I often encounter things about parenting and babies that are…surprising, to put it mildly. There are things that I have found out that cause my still adjusting hormones to ignite into flames or make me weep uncontrollably. For example-formula is primarily made of corn syrup.

First of all, if this is brand new information, I’m really sorry to be the one to break the news to you. Don’t freak out yet though, just keep it together and read.

Second of all, spare me the lecture, sanctimoms. I breastfed for eight months. Well, I legit breastfed for 2 weeks, hated every single minute of that unimaginable torture, and became best friends with an electric pump. So let’s say I bottle fed breastmilk for 8 months. At 8 months, I felt like I had served my time. Six months was my goal and I had exceeded it. I had had enough of sitting in the freezing supply closet at work, eating oatmeal for breakfast every day, only going out and sleeping for a couple hours at a time, wearing ugly bras and obsessing about the number of ounces I was making. I quit and switched to formula.

I’m not going to lie, at first, the freedom was glorious. Glorious, I tell you. Our little guy didn’t care about the switch, all was going well, although, DAMN, is formula made of crushed diamonds?! Why is it $25 a can?! And how can this kid go through a can in three days?? Whatever, the freedom was worth it.

In my quest for a better deal, I checked out Amazon. I noticed there were a gajillion reviews and I thought they would be pretty entertaining, like “let’s read some food critics’ thoughts about the inadequate texture of this formula.” I was expecting to see a review that read, “My little Muffy refused to touch this bottle of powdered milk, she prefers the milk of the French llamas who can only be found on top on Mt. Fuji.” Instead, the first thing I read was something like, “LOOK AT THE INGREDIENT LIST. The first ingredient is CORN SYRUP!” Huh? There was no way that was true, I had not heard anything about this. Anywhere. Corn syrup is everything that is wrong with America!!!! We couldn’t be feeding our baby all of America’s problems!!! I ran and grabbed a can of formula. Yup. There it was, smacking me in the face. I had ruined our baby.

I ran to my husband and shoved the can in his face, sobbing and yelling, “CORN SYRUP!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE FEEDING OUR BABY STRAIGHT SUGAR!!!!!!!!” He was unconcerned, as most husbands seem to be. “Sooooo…what do you want to do?”

“I DON’T KNOW!!!!!!”

I ran back upstairs and hysterically called my mother as I simultaneously demanded answers from Google.

Here’s what I uncovered:

-Yes, almost all formulas are made with corn syrup.

-Breastmilk has loads of sugar (which I should have known, since it tastes like fruit juice).

-Billions of babies are fed formula every day and it’s fine.

Just breathe. Why does everyone freak out about corn syrup? Stop inciting unnecessary panic, people! Corn is a vegetable. I am basically giving my baby vegetable juice.